"Carl, you folded like that cheap accordion you diddle with from time to time" eviscerated the 'bloated blowhard' at end of the third and final set played at Kinsley this beautiful fall morning at Kinsley. Rather than being gratified that the 'grouchy grandfather had taken the set (6-4) against Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and a combination of George 'Chemist' Hauss (departed at 3-3) and an aching Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz, the TennisTitan was annoyed that he had to share the glory with partner Frank 'Slats' Slattery. "What's up with you" quipped the perplexed 'Slats' to the 'miffed misanthrope.' "Slats, there's no way I can be happy after the way 'Chemist' and I frittered away the second set to you and 'Big Al' Diodati (3-6) after having dominated you (6-2) in the opener." An injured 'Der Klugemeister,' in attendance to scout TT at a 2nd consecutive event, retorted from the sidelines, "Slats, - and you too Carl- put yourself on a 'DL' list with me immediately! - DON'T LISTEN!
"Titan, since when do you need and audience to show your ineptitude on the tennis court" queried partner (of sorts) Max 'Tutor' Tuchman at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this afternoon. 'Tutor/'TT' had just received a (1-6) drubbing in the second set against 'Big Al' Diodati and Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. The 'insufferable idiot' had played especially well in their (4-6) loss in the opener but the 'truculent teacher' was having none of it at picture time. "Titan, don't give me that crap! I can lose six love without you expending less energy in the defeat than giving it my all and losing a close contest with you at my side" an exasperated Tuchman trumpeted. The guest photographer opined, "I came to watch you guys play because I couldn't go to work due to a backache. Now I've got a headache to deal with too!" TennisTitan commented "Innocent Bystander Meddling."
"Titan, I forgot to tell you, I failed my HS Chemistry regents exam back in '62" a sheepish George 'Chemist' Hauss admitted at net. TT and 'Chemist' had paired for four sets this rainy morning at Kinsley Park with decidedly mixed results. The boys were on fire in the opener, bageling the tandem of Carl 'Speedy Legs' Gessman and Rich 'El Prezidente' Prezioso (6-0). When Der Klugemeister Bob Kluge teamed with 'SL' for the second set the table was turned even more rapidly producing a (0-6) undressing of the 'Bokeelia braggart' and his MIA partner. 'Kraut' Kluge and 'Prezidente' continued to expose the errant play of the 'Chemist' and the lassitude of the 'indolent idiot' during the final two sets. After dropping the third set (4-6) due to the insistence of the 'stubborn scientist's failure to adjust his game to accommodate to the swirling winds and mist impacting play, the 'trash-talking tactician' turned it on for their finale, a (6-2) triumph. 'Prez' opined at departure, "Turkey Tom, sitting out the second set, I learned how to beat you - just get the ball back to your half of the court." 'Kraut' quipped, "yeah, without 'Chemist' being on his game, it was like two against none, rather than the usual 2 against 1." The 'somber scientist' offered this explanation for his inconsistent play. "I minored in physics. You guys all hit flat. My top spin was more greatly effected by Newton's little known 8th law: 'SBS' - Soggy Ball Syndrome. Titan commented 'I wonder if any of my readers remember the Cowsills." (don't forget to click on the blog title in red to obtain a special treat),
"Titan, maybe you should've stayed in Florida. The old folks there seem to be more your speed" chorused an ebullient 'Big Al' DioDati and an enervated Bill 'Energizer Bunny Legs' Tully. That trusted tandem had just completed 'the usual' - a two set sweep of the out classed pairing of TennisTitan and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman (2-6, 3-6). 'EBL' controlled the front and back courts with his speed game and the 'Italian Stallion' emulated "Old Reliable," Tommy Henrich, in inestimable fashion when need be by keeping points alive. 'Tutor' opined at net as the group was set to depart, "Titan, you'd think 'Big Al' would've treated you better today, with you having arranged that party for his 80th birthday the last time he saw you." Tully quipped, "Nah, Al is too much like Early Wynn. He'd knock down his grandmother with a high inside fastball if she was crowding the plate." 'Tutor' chortled "Titan, it looks like you were crowding the plate recently at those Early Birds." DioDati had the last word. "Titan, one thing I know is that when I play against you 'I have an early win!'
"Titan, you not only bring your dour disposition back from Florida, but also crappy weather" carped 'Der Klugemeister' Bob Kluge as the rain poured steadily down on TT and his three cohorts at Kinsley this morning. 'The Kraut' was in a sour mood because the 'flatulent Floridian' had teamed with fellow tennis whore George 'Chemist' Hauss in a one set triumph (6-4) over the tandem of 'Kraut' and Chris 'Prosac Kid.' 'Kraut' and 'Chemist' had squeegeed and rolled the puddle soaked concrete dry to enable the 'boisterous blowhard' to break more than wind in the 30 minutes of play before the heavens opened up with the teams tied at three apiece. With 'Prosac' showing signs of tennis withdrawal: "How can we play in this weather" Titan prevailed with his irrefutable logic as the set was played to completion. "The tennis balls are sopping wet already. We might as well stay and get our balls wet too." As 'Prosac' beat a hasty retreat to his lair across the street from the courts in the unrelenting downpour 'Chemist' averred "Chris just ain't into it like we are. How about a game of singles Bob" as Titan took out his camera.
"Okay wise ass, what have you got to say now" opined George 'Genealogist' Pratt after his first set thumping of the TennisTitan at the Tarpon Springs Sail and Tennis Club this morning. Indeed the transplanted Kansan put an indelible mark on the 'bloated behemoth's tennis curriculum vitae. It took TT until the 6th game (1-6) to get on the board against an erstwhile opponent that he once dominated. The smile on the 'Wichita Lineman's face surpassed that which he displayed when the sigmoidoscope was extracted from his rectum after he completed his recent colonoscopy. "Consider this your barium enema" chortled the 'preening peacock' as the combatants prepared for their second set at the idyllic complex where the 'bullshitting blogger' is about to purchase a condo. "I will not be your doormat here anymore!" Well, the Titan got off his duff and answered the bell in the second set, coming away with a (6-2) victory in a set that was closer than the score indicated. The 'Genealogist,' almost 10 years the 'boastful bumbler's senior, is light years quicker and in far better shape thanks to his active lifestyle. As the adversaries met at net to decide on their luncheon fare George quipped, " Do you eat crow? And Titan, there's still time to reneg on the purchase contract." TennisTitan turned to the 'avuncular antagonist" and said: "George, that endoscopy you said you also had. That'll be nothing compared to what you can expect upon my return in December. I will shove a three set sweep down your throat and even provide you a bagel to clear the esophagus!"
"The only thing Wrigley about you Titan is that gut you tote around Kinsley Park" a rankled Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso retorted at the conclusion of play this morning. TT had opined that "Kinsley is to the 'bloated behemoth' as Wrigley Field is to the Chicago Cubs: a great place to play if not win." But TennisTitan did win another thriller from the Mavin of Briarcliff Manor. Titan had paired with 'El Prezidente' in doubles in the opening set against George 'Chemist' Hauss and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser. 'Prez' had played extraordinarily well in their (5-7) defeat that had relegated the two ex Lincoln HS compatriots to singles play on the challenger's court. TT dispatched the retired health educator (6-0) in their first set and seemingly had matters well in hand before a revivified 'Prez' rallied to take a 4-5 advantage. The tandem of George ' Teacher' Febles and Bob 'Kraut' Kluge who subsequently defeated 'Chemist'/'Pistol' (7-6 [5]) were privileged to witness with rapt attention the stirring come-from-behind victory the 'arrogant asshole' hung on 'El Prezidente.' "Coup d'etat" panted a near exhausted 'boisterous blowhard' as he closed out the breaker (7-6 [5]) to the amazed onlookers ready to administer CPR to the 'winded windbag.' "With the Titan, it's always about heart in the third set" shouted the 'Kraut.' "It can't be about ability" quipped the 'Teacher.' 'Chemist' chortled "smoke and mirrors - but most of all - experience."
"I guess I just like to get blogged. It can't be the competition" joked 'Santa Ana' as the rain began to fall. Stuart Gourd surprised the TennisTitan with a call this morning to reprise their duel in the sun. The outcome was another two set rout (1-6, 3-6) of the 'inveterate idiot' at Northwest Park under mostly cloudy skies in humid conditions. The 'pedantic prevaricator' acquitted himself reasonably well getting the majority of games to deuce or better but was worn down by the relentless hustle of his 'athletic adversary.' TT may have gained more than he lost with his 90 minute double defeat had not the skies opened up. The 'engaging egotist' had cajoled two fellow sixty somethings playing singles on an adjacent court to engage in a set of doubles against the 'bombastic blowhard' and the 'hyperactive hippy-attorney' that was washed out in the first game by the sudden shower. The departing Cliff and Eddie told the 'whoring tennis-hooter' "we generally play at Northwest every morning... drop by if you'd like." The "pumpkin plunderer" smiled wryly at the two older gentlemen and said, "you don't know what you're letting yourselves in for." "Titan, adios until your next visit."
"Titan, that little game of yours has no place in a big state like Texas. You can get away with patty cake tennis at Kinsley but down here you got to cowboy up" crowed Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd at the completion of play at Northwest Park in Austin this date. "Put it this way (sic) pahdner: you're like a bronc that's been broken long ago and now's only fit to be ridden by little old ladies lookin' for that one last thrill" cracked the 'amiable attorney' after his (3-6, 1-6) whipping of the 'desultory dilettante' who wandered into his line of fire. "You thought you got the drop on me calling me at the last minute for a game. You thought you could drop and then lob me to a victory. Think again! You dropped in the 92 degree heat." Indeed, TennisTitan was competitive for half a set (3-3) before the wheels came off and he dropped nine of the last ten games. "Titan, best you hook up with those 'dilly Dell' boys if you're looking for a victory in Texas. Their stock is down, just like yours. Consider yourself lucky. You saw the 'King,' George Strait, Friday night, you met your 'King' this afternoon!
TennisTitan will be in the Lone Star State from the 24th through October 1st. He is expecting to engage Russell 'Hoya Saxa' Briscoe and Stuart 'Santa Ana' Gourd, plus other unsuspecting innocents wandering the tennis courts of Austin or purveying sales at Dell. George Strait concert, Longhorn Football, and Texas Stars Hockey will likely serve as TT's victories. Look for the Titan back on the Kinsley concrete Saturday 10/3 before he embarks on the annual October Florida Tour on October 5th. Keep watching for further posts.
'Prez, I am always sincere, even if I don't mean it" chided the 'bloated behemoth' to a crestfallen Rich 'Prezidente' Prezioso at the end of their two set donnybrook at Law Memorial park in Briarcliff Manor NY. 'Prez' had built his hopes up that, off last week's trouncing of the TennisTitan on these same courts, that it would be the 'penurious penny pincher' who would have to reach for his American Express card to pay for this afternoon's post match lunch at Squires. "You son-of-obama, you set me up. Just like Obama did to the American taxpayer. Last week you didn't run for anything; today you chase down every ball in our extended rallies." Indeed, TT's motivation was higher than his energy level. The 'chirping cheapskate' never wants to go into his back pocket. Titan eked out a (7-6 [6]) first set victory denying 'Prez' three (3) set points in the process. TT was serving to level the match each of his service games after his 3-1 lead became a 3-4 deficit. The 'boisterous blowhard' came up with the goods time and time again at crunch time. "Prez,' you out played me in the first set" is what elicited the raucous cry from the retired, now svelte, health teacher. "And what about the second set?"and incredulous, apoplectic, enervated educator moaned over his shrimp salad at Squires. Titan paused to reflect as he engorged himself over with his reuben while savoring a Bud Light. "Beating you (6-2) in that second set was akin to what's in store in the midterm elections for that leftist, reactionary who sits in the Oval Office. I beguiled you on the court with my spin, just like he did with his rhetoric to the electorate."
"Titan, I guess I just ran out of butane" apologized the Bunsen Burner man - George 'Chemist' Hauss. 'Chemist' had paired with the 'loathsome loudmouth' in TT's third and fourth sets and was unable to lift the 'garrulous giant' to his fourth victory of the day. Indeed, the Master of the Slice/Sidespin/Backspin serve had an eratic day on the Kinsley concrete. The wind appeared to play havoc with the 'Chemist's serve and return calculations more than any of the other contestants. Titan had carried the load in their (6-1) crushing of Bob 'Kraut' Kluge and Lou 'Pistol' Gerencser in the penultimate set of the morning. The 'pedantic prevaricator'/'Chemist' fell in the finale (4-6) to the tandem of 'Kraut'/Joe 'Gimpy Knees' Cruz primarily because Bunsen Burner flamed out. TennisTitan had opened the day as 'Kraut's partner and could do no wrong. TT contributed mightily in their two set blitzkrieg of George 'Teacher' Febles/Mike 'not so stellar' Stella (6-0) which preceded the (6-2) scorching of 'Chemist'/'Pistol.' As the teams met at net to bid farewell Titan was perplexed that the seemingly remorseful 'Chemist' referred to the 'bloated behemoth' as the "Xenon of Argon" after his self-effacing butane remark. 'Pistol,' with his degree in pharmacology, fired his only ace of the day, when he enlightened the gaped-mouth 'bitching bullshitter,' "Titan, it's clear. George recognizes you for what you are on the court: an INERT GAS-bag!"
"Titan, you cannot blame me for your failures this time" opined Vladimir 'Russkie' Kartsev at the end of play at the Yonkers Tennis Center this day. Vlad had teamed with the 'immobile minotaur' for two sets against 'Big Al' DioDati and Max 'Tutor' Tuchman. I read your blog from Tuesday and if you cannot beat 'Prez' how can you expect me to do enough for you to win against two opponents who know what they are doing on the court? 'Russkie' was firing Soyuz rockets both on and off the court in the (2-6, 3-6, 2-2 partial) shellacking administered by the September Birthday Boys, Max and Al. For his part TT came away more satisfied with his play compared to the feeble attempt at mediocrity demonstrated against 'Prezidente' (see Sept. 15th entry). The 'bombastic blowhard' brought some occasional pop to his serve and moved without pain (albeit slowly) to the ball. The 'Dacha Doctor' has stone hands at net and reacts hesitatingly to any ball not hit into his strike zone. "But at least I attempt to get to the net to get a short ball" critiqued the literary giant. "It is you, Titan, who is on a five year plan like my old government in playing points." As the teammates bickered at net 'Tutor' came up with a reasonable solution. "There is only one doubles team you two have a chance of beating today: Dom and Vinnie. Let's find them, maybe they'll serve - I hope it's dinner! "
"I'll tell you this Prez, my pride hurts a damn lot more than my back at this time" a sullen TennisTitan whimpered as he sat on the bench at the Law Clay Tennis Courts in Briarcliff Manor this afternoon. TT had just endured the ignominy of a double defeat to Rich 'Prezidente' Presioso. Your 'bloated behemoth' was determined to test out his aching back and suffered devastating loses to an opponent that he seldom had difficulty dominating. Titan could generate no power on his serve or groundies. Every step toward the ball was accompanied by a stiletto to the sacroiliac. 'Prez' showed an uncanny ability to get balls back in play that heretofore were unplayable. "Titan, I not only shed thirty (30) pounds from my svelte frame this summer, but with today's (4-6, 3-6) whipping of your lard ass, I figured I just got another, what, 230 pounds of 'heaping hubris' off my back. Next time you deign to travel to northern Westchester be prepared to run and hit a second shot." As 'Prez' sped off in his 45K Mercedes convertible he shouted to the forlorn figure lumbering lethargically toward his used Hyundai, he fired his only ace of the day, "Every other time you show up, you beat me, and I wind up paying for lunch at Squires. Today I made you my squire and I ate your lunch!"
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